Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A People's Military History of The Video Wars of Ought-Six, Chapter One

So the Editors has published his history of the Great Video Wars to great acclaim. Well, I'm here counter that very conventional, very one-sided, very biased work by presenting an example of the hidden history of the Great War.

That's right. The Editors, court historian that he is, leaves out a crucial battle of that war, and in the process cheats youtubeitary history students of an example of magisterial tactical acumen.

I refer of course to the feint known as Retardo's Gambit. General Retardo, in charge of Sadly, No!'s reserves, faced fierce rear-guard action from the forces of Word Press, a mercenary legion in the pay of Atrios. Yet as a diversion, he attacked anyway, posting an entry in which the videos did not appear! This tactic so discombobulated the victims (the combined forces of The Editors, Atrios, and Andrew Sullivan), that Sadly No!'s main forces controlled by Generals Brad R. and Gavin M. reformed their lines, and cut through the enemy to decisively defeat the Axis of Annoying, forcing the settlement known as the Treaty of Wank.

Now I shall present that part of the war The Editors does not want you to see, though, unfortunately, I cannot recreate Retardo's Gambit in a completely truthful way: the manuever is so complex that it's impossible to show it in its original, video-less, glory. However, I give you the next best thing:

I'm Back, And I'm 'Bout To Glock You Bitchez Real Good

So Atrios and Teh Editorz think they all that, huh? Well I got my homies' backs, so I'm gonna fuck some shit up good, yo.

They got Star Wars shit and garden variety New Wave fashion atrocities? Hair metal? I got that shit met.

First, how 'bout some fat ubermullet Meat Loaf-lookin' screamation meh'ul:

I laugh at your Warrant and present the emetic, castrato strains of Steelheart, whose vocalist is the only dude ever who can make Jeff Goldstein's voice sound masculine in comparison:

Star Wars? Oh, well allow me to present the Altered States via Tron sci-fi wizardy of Aldo Motherfucking Nova:

Mr Roboto? It is to laugh, fools! I present the Gay Robot Harlequin Man, Klaus Nomi:

Oh yes, that's right. Die, bitchez, die.

And I mock your A Flock of Seagulls vids. Hah! Look, if it's a war of New Wave fashion atrocities you want, then you have just met your Hiroshima, cobagz! I have the New Wave WMD right here: Spandau Ballet in motherfuckin kilts:

Yeah, since I'm kickin you when you down now; how 'bout that 'Road Warrior' look so fashionable in 1983:

And, because they were artistes and so had to heavily infuse the Road Warrior post-apocalyptic look with classic German cinema, there's this, easily the worst hit they ever had:

You go back home to yo' mommas, fools.