Saturday, December 24, 2005

Slugs For The Historical Arcade

Bush Approves Presidential Dollar Coins:

WASHINGTON - New dollar coins featuring all 37 of the nation's dead presidents will begin rolling out of the U.S. Mint in 2007 under a bill
President Bush signed into law on Thursday.


The front of the new dollar coins will depict former presidents, but not those who are living or have been dead for less than two years; the backs of the coins will show the Statue of Liberty.

Four coins a year will be issued, beginning in 2007, in the presidents' order of service. The treasury secretary will have authority over the designs.

Fuck that. Statue of Liberty? Wait a minute, that was our planet. And you blew it up! Goddamn you to hell!

But seriously, the Statue of Liberty obverse sucks. I propose something different, along the lines of the 50 State Quarters: a unique design for each President, according to that President's record and/or particular traits.

Think "political cartoon":

George Washington: An open portmanteau displaying wooden teeth, a tri-corner hat, and a long needle to lance those nasty carbuncles

John Adams: A printing press in a jail cell

Thomas Jefferson: Same portrait as the other side, but this one showing fangs; fitting, for our Janus President

James Madison: White House aflame

James Monroe: Wagging Finger pointed in a face labeled "Europe"

John Quincy Adams: The President addressing a sleeping crowd

Andrew Jackson: Like a Coat of Arms, duelling pistols over a field of Seminole and Cherokee carcasses

Martin Van Buren: Magician's hat, with hand pulling out of it an uncommonly stupid-looking rabbit labeled "Panic of 1837"

William Henry Harrison: Tombstone surrounded by empty cider barrels

John Tyler: A beanpole

James Knox Polk: Conquistador's helmet

Zachary Taylor: Iced milk and cherries (his last meal)

Millard Fillmore: That stupid fucking duck cartoon

Franklin Pierce: Whiskey bottle

James Buchanan: Buchanan as train engineer, leering stupidly to the side as the train approaches a cliff

Abraham Lincoln: Ticket stub to Ford's Theatre

Andrew Johnson: Map of United States sewn together haphazardly and incompetently

U.S. Grant: Plutocrats frolicking in an ocean of money

Rutherford B. Hayes: Plain label obverse stating "counterfeit"

James A. Garfield: Back of a man holding books in each hand, taped on his back is a crude sign, a la "kick me" in grammar schools, "shoot me"

Chester Arthur: Top hat, cravat, cane

Grover Cleveland: President devouring a turkey leg as farmers starve in the background

Benjamin Harrison: Resume' blank save for one word, "grandaddy"

Grover Cleveland: A huge crosses of gold in a Golgotha scene with the condemned being a farmer, a union worker and an empty space labeled "Asia" which was crucified later; in the Roman roles are cigar-chomping plutocrats

William McKinley: Marines torturing a Filipino

Theodore Roosevelt: Roosevelt as Yosemite Sam, guns blazing, stomping on the globe

William Howard Taft: Banquet Table

Woodrow Wilson: Schoolteacher lecturing stupid and unruly students (labeled as European countries) and well-behaved students (labeled as Latin American countries)

Warren Harding: "If the closet's rocking, don't bother knocking"

Calvin Coolidge: Coolidge genuflecting before a smog-belching factory

Herbert Hoover: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse; plutocracy, social darwinism, laissez-faire, dust bowl

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: A Japanese-American family behind barbed-wire

Harry Truman: Mushroom cloud

Dwight Eisenhower: The President playing putt-putt, each hole labeled as a country the CIA fucked with in the 50s

John F. Kennedy: "Welcome To Dallas" street sign

Lyndon Johnson: Southeast Asian Village bombed by a huge foam cowboy hat

Richard Nixon: Document labeled as "Constitution" floating in a toilet

Gerald Ford: The President is reading an upside-down newspaper

Jimmy Carter: Handing the Taliban a bag of peanuts

Ronald Reagan: The President presents a cake to a grinning mullah, while a leering Contra, busy doggy-style-raping a nun, pulls dollars out of smiling Ronnie's pocket

George H. W. Bush: A Wonderbread wrapper

Bill Clinton: Kneepads and pizza boxes

George W. Bush: You do it in comments!