Saturday, December 24, 2005

Slugs For The Historical Arcade

Bush Approves Presidential Dollar Coins:

WASHINGTON - New dollar coins featuring all 37 of the nation's dead presidents will begin rolling out of the U.S. Mint in 2007 under a bill
President Bush signed into law on Thursday.

[...]

The front of the new dollar coins will depict former presidents, but not those who are living or have been dead for less than two years; the backs of the coins will show the Statue of Liberty.

Four coins a year will be issued, beginning in 2007, in the presidents' order of service. The treasury secretary will have authority over the designs.


Fuck that. Statue of Liberty? Wait a minute, that was our planet. And you blew it up! Goddamn you to hell!

But seriously, the Statue of Liberty obverse sucks. I propose something different, along the lines of the 50 State Quarters: a unique design for each President, according to that President's record and/or particular traits.

Think "political cartoon":

George Washington: An open portmanteau displaying wooden teeth, a tri-corner hat, and a long needle to lance those nasty carbuncles

John Adams: A printing press in a jail cell

Thomas Jefferson: Same portrait as the other side, but this one showing fangs; fitting, for our Janus President

James Madison: White House aflame

James Monroe: Wagging Finger pointed in a face labeled "Europe"

John Quincy Adams: The President addressing a sleeping crowd

Andrew Jackson: Like a Coat of Arms, duelling pistols over a field of Seminole and Cherokee carcasses

Martin Van Buren: Magician's hat, with hand pulling out of it an uncommonly stupid-looking rabbit labeled "Panic of 1837"

William Henry Harrison: Tombstone surrounded by empty cider barrels

John Tyler: A beanpole

James Knox Polk: Conquistador's helmet

Zachary Taylor: Iced milk and cherries (his last meal)

Millard Fillmore: That stupid fucking duck cartoon

Franklin Pierce: Whiskey bottle

James Buchanan: Buchanan as train engineer, leering stupidly to the side as the train approaches a cliff

Abraham Lincoln: Ticket stub to Ford's Theatre

Andrew Johnson: Map of United States sewn together haphazardly and incompetently

U.S. Grant: Plutocrats frolicking in an ocean of money

Rutherford B. Hayes: Plain label obverse stating "counterfeit"

James A. Garfield: Back of a man holding books in each hand, taped on his back is a crude sign, a la "kick me" in grammar schools, "shoot me"

Chester Arthur: Top hat, cravat, cane

Grover Cleveland: President devouring a turkey leg as farmers starve in the background

Benjamin Harrison: Resume' blank save for one word, "grandaddy"

Grover Cleveland: A huge crosses of gold in a Golgotha scene with the condemned being a farmer, a union worker and an empty space labeled "Asia" which was crucified later; in the Roman roles are cigar-chomping plutocrats

William McKinley: Marines torturing a Filipino

Theodore Roosevelt: Roosevelt as Yosemite Sam, guns blazing, stomping on the globe

William Howard Taft: Banquet Table

Woodrow Wilson: Schoolteacher lecturing stupid and unruly students (labeled as European countries) and well-behaved students (labeled as Latin American countries)

Warren Harding: "If the closet's rocking, don't bother knocking"

Calvin Coolidge: Coolidge genuflecting before a smog-belching factory

Herbert Hoover: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse; plutocracy, social darwinism, laissez-faire, dust bowl

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: A Japanese-American family behind barbed-wire

Harry Truman: Mushroom cloud

Dwight Eisenhower: The President playing putt-putt, each hole labeled as a country the CIA fucked with in the 50s

John F. Kennedy: "Welcome To Dallas" street sign

Lyndon Johnson: Southeast Asian Village bombed by a huge foam cowboy hat

Richard Nixon: Document labeled as "Constitution" floating in a toilet

Gerald Ford: The President is reading an upside-down newspaper

Jimmy Carter: Handing the Taliban a bag of peanuts

Ronald Reagan: The President presents a cake to a grinning mullah, while a leering Contra, busy doggy-style-raping a nun, pulls dollars out of smiling Ronnie's pocket

George H. W. Bush: A Wonderbread wrapper

Bill Clinton: Kneepads and pizza boxes

George W. Bush: You do it in comments!

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