Monday, November 28, 2005

RETARDO Montalban and Marie Jon' in....

The Wingnut' Who Loved Me'


*In medias res*

*Agent Retardo Montalban is surrounded by thugs. It's obvious he's in some sort of studio*

Sean Hannity: We have you now, RETARDO. You'll never get away! It's time we stopped your treasonous, evil ways! We have moral clarity, and you have shit!

Bill O'Reilly: I'll get you for persecuting me, RETARDO! At last, this nice Irish guy from Levittown, Long Island will have revenge on your terrorist-coddling, elitist, America-hating hide, you commie scumbag!

*fat, bloated Roger Ailes wheels up in his fatty cart. He pets a white Persian cat*

Ailes: Yes, yes. I expect you to die, RETARDO!

Rupert Murdoch: Aye, I reckon you Yank commie bahstards will awl bloody doie!

*RETARDO desperately searches for a way out. He is outnumbered and, seemingly, outgunned*

RETARDO: If I don't report in, my partner is to drop a full bottle of RU-486 into the Greater Utah water supply, so I suggest you back off.

O'Reilly: *gasps* You wouldn't dare! Who do you think you are, Media Matters?!?!

*RETARDO backs out of the studio door. He is chased by the wingnuts. He dodges Murdoch's boomerang, but it's a close call. Finally, he gets to the satelite feed. He uses a gadget, reverses something, sets a timer, and takes off*

*In 10 seconds, Fox's satellite feed will be replaced with the Sundance Channel, causing, like, total protonic-ideologic-reversal, exploding the whole Fox Broadcasting apparatus*

10..

*RETARDO runs*

9..

*RETARDO throws a copy of the Constitution at a wingnut henchmen; the wingnut is crippled*

8...

*RETARDO runs farther away*

7...

*RETARDO is shot at by Ann Coulter's spitwad blowgun, but Alan Colmes's frail, lifeless corpse absorbs all the projectiles*

6...

*RETARDO dodges Bill O'Reilly's flying spittle. RETARDO throws a copy of Al Franken's book at O'Reilly. O'Reilly screams "Shuuuuuut uppppppp!" as it touches him, its truth making him explode into a million pieces*

5...4...3..2..1..

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

*Fox News Studios explodes, flying debris all around. Agent RETARDO has barely made it to safety, his work done*

Surviving Fox Technician *to RETARDO*: My god, what happened to the studio?

RETARDO: They had technical difficulties. Please stand by.

*RETARDO presses a button on his watch. A gay marriage magic rainbow appears under his feet and takes him away to safety*

DANUH NANA NA-NA-NAaaaaa NUHNUH nuhnuhnuh

Cut to : opening credits as music plays. In the background are silhouettes of dancing naked women with guns shooting yellow elephants.

Lyrics:
Nobody does it better
Especially not Sadly, No!
Nobody else does it half as good as you
Baby you're the best

I was a wingnut, but somehow still human
I tried to hide from your Liberal logic
But like heaven above me
The Liberal who saved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe toniiight

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish Sadly, No! could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

Darlin' you're the best
Baby you're the besssssssst


Starring:

Josh from elementropy blog as RETARDO Montalban 007

Marie Jon' as Marie Jon'

Robert Blake as Sean Hannity

Mickey Rooney as Roger Ailes

Joe Don Baker as Bill O'Reilly

DJ Qualls as Judson Cox

etc...


Cut to: Special Agent RETARDO Montalban of The Secret Liberal Service knocking on a finely-panelled oak door. He enters.

RETARDO: Yes, M, you wished to see me?

M: Heh indeedy, RETARDO. *he snickers slightly* I'm tasking you with a very important mission. As you know, the wingnuts are making some suspicious manuevers on the Alito and Murtha fronts, and of course Iraq Incompetence and Plamegate go on and on. I needn't remind you that we are at a very crucial moment in Liberal-Wingnut relations. If the wingnuts prove that the Prime Liberal is conclusively fat in this week's punditry battles, we could lose everything until 2008.

RETARDO: Yes, because if the Prime Liberal is fat, a Chewbacca Defense scenario then occurs: Bush is right, Bush is Jesus, Jesus is Bush, Liberals hate freedom, munichappeasementhitler... doomsday.

M: Quite right.

RETARDO: So what is to be done, sir?

M: Our man in California sent a message that a local in the wingnut movement wants to defect. She's very important. Apparently the Wingnut High Command is grooming her to be the next Laura Ingraham. We can't allow that to happen. Another wingnut on a magazine cover looking sexy in a leopard-print miniskirt all the while spewing noxious ersatz-Victorian moralist crap is a terrible thing to contemplate. Plus, it is rumored that she is much, much hotter than Laura Ingraham ever was. She's destined for wingnut television if we don't act in time.

You, RETARDO, must fly there immediately; ascertain the situation. She must be allowed to defect, willingly or...

RETARDO, you must know that our man in California disappeared soon after reporting this information. You're to rescue or recover him, as the case may be.

We suspect that the defector, and our disappeared agent, have something to do with the nefarious wingnut plot to "prove" the Prime Liberal fat. You must tread carefully, 007.

*M hands RETARDO the case file, with a picture of the defector attached*



Dismissed, RETARDO. Be sure to see Q before your flight.

*Fade out*

*New scene opens in an underground testing facility. Many odd contraptions laying around. Here, a history book is opened in front of a mannequin labeled "wingnut" while technicians nearby cower. The mannequin explodes. There, a tape of Bush administration officials lying and/or contradicting themselves is played in front of another mannequin labeled "wingnut." The mannequin bursts into flames. RETARDO enters and watches, amused.*

Q: Ahh, good evening, RETARDO.

RETARDO: Q. *observing the smoking hulls of the mannequins* I didn't know wingnuts had such brittle shells.

Q: *annoyed* Spare me your witless remarks, 007. Now, observe. This appears to be an ordinary wallet. But look *he opens it and out folds many expanding documents*. At close range, lethal to Libertarians of almost all stripes. These pictures and documents contain the US Constitution, with the "promote the general welfare" part of the preamble, and the commerce clause in the main body highlighted. Also, there is a picture of Milton Friedman's goons in Chile, assorted stock footage of American 19th century child laborers, a chemical chart of pre-FDA canned hams, then for the coup de grace, a print of Lord John Russell and Sir Charles Trevelyan dancing on the withered corpses of starved Irish while singing "There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch".

RETARDO: Impressive.

Q: Of course it is, 007. I take my work seriously. But beware: it doesn't work on Randroids. In fact, it only excites them. Now, for your mission. This is the latest standard issue among Secret Liberal Agents. It's a self-immolating American flag, guaranteed to burn at 5000 degrees Celsius.

RETARDO: Oh say can you singe?

Q: *rolls eyes* Pay attention, please. Here is the latest Berlitz French Language course. Only a few words can burst the internal organs of most wingnuts, so do be careful.

RETARDO: Merde!

Q: Stop that! Now look, this is a normal belt, size 32. Ah, but inside the buckle, a Swiss Army Abortion kit!

*Q moves across the room, and with a voila motion, he removes a tarp from a gleaming car*

This automobile is now standard issue as well. It's a 2006 Greenpeace Vega. It runs on hemp diesel and gets 189 miles to the gallon. Its chassis is made of compressed tofu; it has a state of the art bong in the dashboard with automatic and ergonomic face-mask extentions for the driver and all passengers. Its computer is solar powered, and speaks in the voice of Ed Begley, Jr. Its defences are as follows: at a click of this button, jars of fetuses pop out of the fenders and trunk, shielding you from wingnut attack. This other button plays Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" at high volume, causing wingnuts to stop in their tracks, shed tears, remove their hats, and join in singing. Your ears will be protected from this aural atrocity inside the car, of course. To activate the car's flying properties, the bong must be extensively used.

Now remember, 007, all this equipment is the property of the People's Republic of Liberalism and I expect it to be returned in pristine order.

RETARDO: Have I ever let you down, Q?

Q: Repeatedly.

*Cut to: RETARDO huffing on bong and flying West*

DANUH NANA NA-NA-NAaaaaa NUHNUH nuhnuhnuh

*INTERMISSION*

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