Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The Shorter National Review Online 7/26/05

Shorter Henry I. Miller
Reconsidering Gitmo:

If only liberals had shut up about torture at Gitmo, the London bombings could have been stopped.

A deliciously wingnutty column: he wishes for the opportunity to show up with a black bag and hypodermics. Which somehow makes me think of this guy.

Shorter Cathy Seipp
Gladys Kravitz Nation:

The PATRIOT Act is awesome, but online companies that publish my home address in a way that even a disgruntled teacher, whose career I take considerable pride in ruining, can find it, make me nervous. On the other hand, such a service comes in handy when I wish to look up that teacher's address, and check out his home so that I can, in my new class way, properly condescend to his "depressing looking" neighborhood.

Too funny.

Shorter Shannen W. Coffin
John Roberts, In His Own Words:

Liberals are wrong to suppose that they can glean anything objectionable from Judge Roberts's writings, but we wingnuts can see in them a penchant for executive power toadying, a hostility to Roe, and a mentality that considers respect of the Fourth Amendment as being sentimentalist.

Coffin, with a nifty cereal box decoder-ring, deciphers the wingnutese from Roberts's writings so wingnuts don't have to. Just to show that he's their man. When liberals then say, aha!, Coffin reacts like they've just tried to copy his answers on a test.

Shorter Eric Pfeiffer
The Games People Play:

Ordinarily, we'd seize the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas controversy as proof of the entertainment industry's moral degradation, but since Hillary Clinton, that bitch, beat us to the punch, we'll pretend that our first inclination is the libertarian one.

A Clinton triangulates, wingnuts squeal. So 1995.

Shorter Frances B. Smith
Unraveling CAFTA:

It's easy for me to take the laughable pseudo-populist position that Big Business lobbyists are holding up the passage of CAFTA, if I only mention Chuck Rangel's objection on labor standards in passing, and mention not at all the fact that the Biggest Business is actually responsible for, and has a huge, salivating interest in, trying to ram the Pact through Congress.

For wingnuts, the Sugar Industry, now that it is paying a lot for protectionism, is the lesser of two friends, while for people who actually don't like sweatshops and who give rat's ass about US jobs, it is the lesser of two evils.

Shorter Deroy Murdock
The Case For CAFTA:

Hugo Chavez, dont tread on my sweatshops.

My favorite so far! Replete with quotes from such loved-in-Latin-America luminaries as Otto Reich. And I relish that National Association of Manufacturers quote. Why, if CAFTA is grounded, they may have to go to China! Hahahaha. As if they don't already: after all, that's where the post-NAFTA Mexican textile industry went. But now people are turning against cheap, slave-labor-produced Chinese textiles. So, the press for CAFTA: if Chinese textiles get embargoed, sweatshops in Honduras are a nice alternative, Mexican sweatshops still being prohibitively expense (these things are relative).

Shorter Heather Mac Donald
Looking the Wrong Way:

I find intolerable the prospect that the NYPD will inconvenience white yuppies with random searches.

Only the swarthy and mullah-looking should be bothered. Okay, then. I think it's kind of funny that such wingnuts as David Gelertner would fall under Mac Donald's prescription.

Shorter Rick Santorum
Mending Morality:

The right to privacy is the root of all gay evil.

It all started with Griswold, but the santorum really hit the fan with Lawrence.

Shorter Jonah Goldberg
Mark Steyn Can Dance. Norman Podhoretz Can Sing:

I farted my way through the British Isles, eating enough to sustain Eritrea for several months, and I came back disappointed that Steyn isn't as fat as me, that The Pod can sing show tunes very well, and that Spanker Johnson is too optimistic on the future of wingnuttia. I missed my mommy.