Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your 2005 Wingnut All-Star Team

As you know, the league has recently expanded, and far from diluting talent, as many MSM rightwingers feared, we have seen that insanity, bigotry, armchair warmongering, and wholesale stupidity have remained at least constant, if not raised to an even higher level in Wingnut League Punditry. As always, the All-Star game is an exhibition of the league's finest talent.

The votes have been cast and counted -- let's get on with it -- here is the roster.

Representing the Douchebag League, the Senior Circuit of Wingnut League Punditry:

Canuckistan Wingnutiens - This venerable franchise sends three players to the All-Star team, a sure sign of its strength and proof that its pennant run last year was no fluke.

Mark Steyn

He has all the tools wingnuts need; only now is coming into his own. Is a lock to be an all-star for the next decade.

David Frum

Frum, three years ago winner of the William Safire "Nattering Nabobs" Memorial Award for most hackneyed phrase inserted into a Presidential speech by a flaming wingnut, is the Wingnutiens' most fearsome slugger. Perennial All-Star. Strengths include his formidable smear tactics, conceit, sheer hackery, and, of course, economic illiteracy. Expect him to lead off in Tuesday's game.

Rachel Marsden

Stalking? Harassment? Garden-variety wingnut idiocy? Her star is rising!

Los Angeles Sex-Dodgers - Always a contender, though this year with only one representative elected to the All-Star team. This, on the whole, says less about the team's stars than it does about its wonderful bench, chock full as it is of vaseline-toting, mattress-soiling, kleenex-destroying heavyweights.

Virgin Ben Shapiro

Ben does not do one thing, and he does not do it well! Disgusted with the thought of defiling his body through pre-marital sex, Ben, like a good Talibani wingnut, fixates on the sexual habits of others. Again and again and again. Trivia: Ben, when not on the fields of punditry, never rides the pine; rather, he usually retreats into the clubhouse bathroom for extended stays until called-for.

Philadelphia Phucktards - Traditionally this franchise is a basement-dweller, yet has a rabid fan base. The eminently lovable Phucktards send one player to the mid-summer classic.

Justin Darr

One could not build a more promising wingnut than Justin; expect him to be traded to a contender in late July. ESPN's Peter Gammons reports that the Boston Banalities are interested in Darr, as are the Knoxville Knobs.

Jacksonville Jackasses - Typically one of the league's also-rans, the Jackasses are true to form this year, and, as is so often the case with mediocre teams, send only one player to the All-Star Game.

Joe Scarborough

As a player-manager, Scarborough is in a unique position to force his opponents to play to the Jackasses' strengths. Picked off a remarkable 67 running memes last season, usually via his expertise at distraction and diversion. Joe is always quick with Schiavo updates, and when the going gets tough, can be counted on for Missing White Woman stories until the storm blows over.

Virginia Housetrailers - Inconsistency is the curse of the beloved Mobile Homes, but if this storied franchise could ever string its frequently explosive offense into a steady barrage rather than occasional "earth-shattering kabooms", it could well enter the playoffs.

Kaye Grogan

Not only does Kaye have phenomenal, MVP-type talent, but she's also the classiest wingnut since Anita Bryant. Kaye's stupidity percentage was in the high .300s, and her OBS (a fancy sabermetric aggregate stat: it's the measure of offensiveness plus bullshit) was a Hall of Fame-worthy 1.400. Simply incredible.

The Unreconstructed Nazis of Anaheim - Formerly the Bakersfield Bund, the new name won't roll off tongues quite like bulldozers run over Rachel Corries, but the name-change, star rightfielder Charles Johnson insists, was necessary for financial reasons. One thing's for sure, the old Bund never was breathing down the necks of the first place Wingnutiens before. Johnson can smell a pennant, and his enthusiasm will be on prominent display Tuesday. With a steady stream of talent coming up from Triple-A farm club Appallachian Rottweilers, the Nazis could be loaded.

Charles Johnson

What else can be said of Johnson? Already a certain first-ballot Wingnut Hall of Famer, he only lacks a ring to complete his career. In the categories of sectarianism and tribalism, few can compete with him.

Delaware Roundmouths - An expansion franchise this year, the Roundmouths have stayed in the League's cellar most of the year, but are winning high marks for their exciting style of play. When they're "on", few wingnuts can fellate the White House better. The problem is, of course, Delaware is seldom "on".

Jeff Gannon

Gannon started out the season ..well, on fire, but has since fallen off his pace. He certainly has all the requisite tools to be a successful wingnut: stupidity, hypocrisy, hackery.

Michigan Morons - Probably a .500 team, the Morons excel in some areas of wingnuttery, sputter in others. True to their name, these guys take their cretinism seriously -- they're stupid like foxes! That's their strong suit. But some question their guts: no, not courage (hah!), but do they have bile enough to be proper Major League Wingnuts? There are signs of encouragement.

John J. Miller

Statisticians debate the true value (usually in "abominations created" indices) of wingnut Francophobia, but John J. Miller is a True Believer in his routine. What statisticians don't understand, Miller says, is that Francophobia disrupts liberals' defences in ways that just do not show up in the math. Regardless of where you come down on the subject, you have to admit that Miller has resolve: last year he slagged France in a record 56 straight essays. Yet we worry that Miller is too one-dimensional, and his venom, like his (American) liberal bashing, could use some improvement. Miller's occasional kulturkrit shows potential, however. Scouts have always said he lacked the tools to be a Norman Podhoretz, but Miller's proved scouts wrong before.

Brian Cherry

Few rookies hold more promise than Michigan's Brian Cherry. Scouts point to his homophobia as proof that he's the real thing. We're more impressed by his early coinage of a catch phrase ("literary sticks") as well as his second vocation, writing historical fiction (which is supergay when done by the Left; but Brian writes about gorey, sweaty Vikings, with their huge broadswords and flowing blond locks and..). Brian has an infectious personality; he eagerly sign autographs for fellow wingnuts in the stands, and sometimes invites several over to his home to watch Gladiator movies. Trivia: Brian models his hair after classic "Electric Blue" era Icehouse videos.

Central Committee Commissars - Taking their offensive cues from the defunct Providence Pravda teams, this Senior Circuit power emphasises aggressive play. Which may be putting it lightly. To the delight of wingnut fans everywhere, this team habitually attacks the umpires as often as it attacks the opposing team. The tactical revolution wrought by the father-son tandem of Norman and John Podhoretz is a thrill to fans and a headache to the opposition. Youppi is the Commissars' justly famed mascot.

Michael Medved

Medved is a perfect Politburo throwback, always ready with an attack on the Great Satan of Hollywood. His high-energy style and high droning voice should provide many thrills in tonight's action.

Golden State Gasbags - A promising team, but real success is several years up the road. The Old English lettering on the jerseys, and French frilly cuffs on their sleeves rightly indicate their overall style of wingnutism: over the top pomposity. They are to wingnut punditry what Britny Fox was to heavy metal. Rumor has it they are desperate to sign Tucker Carlson to a multiyear contract, convinced he is their type of player. Expect Captain Ed of the Gasbags' Triple A affiliate Crap N' Quaaludes to get a September call-up.

Josh "Tacitus" Trevino

Flamboyant in the Liberace William F. Buckley way, Trevino has literally hundreds of wingnut admirers. And what's not to like? Solipsism to the point of megalomania always goes over well. And the very name: Tacitus. You know, we used to enter chatrooms as "The Emperor Julian" or as "alkibiades", but the object was to be goofy, either by baiting Christians with the former, or affecting a silly lisp and whining about persecution with the latter. Not Tacitus: he's an earnest wingnut. So earnest, in fact, that he took special care to smear the protestors at the 2004 RNC convention (see "RNC Coverage", upper righthand column). So earnest, in fact, that he picked the single stupidest fight of 2005. This is upper level wingnutism, for sure. Umpires of tonight's game will have to have sharp eyes.

These worthies of the Douchebag League will be faced by the best of WLP's Junior Circuit, the Chickenhawk League. In recent years, roughly since early 2003, the balance of power has tipped in the Junior Circuit's direction. Vegas has the CL favored by a large margin.

Pittsburgh Poms - Talk about tradition! The tedious tories have it out the wazoo! The Poms prove that wingnuttia is not a parochial but global phenomenon: they represent the best talent, and dentistry, that the Mother Country has to offer. Parodoxically, these players of the "Old Guard" are actually some of the most innovative in wingnuttia. Their smearing regimen is legendary; their mantra could be "adjust, adjust, adjust." And do they ever! Andrew Sullivan, for instance, has used at least two dozen smearing stances this season. And converted southpaw Christopher Hitchens varies his leg-kick and arm-slot with enthusiasm and skill, befuddling opposing hitters with his herky-jerky clusterfucked delivery. The Poms' Niall Ferguson just narrowly missed this year's team, yet may take the field if any of the All-Star starters are injured.

Christopher Hitchens

A convert, but a wingnut juggernaut nonetheless. His pitching of lies, smears, and utter stupidity on WMDs amazed even veteran wingnuts, while his self-revising stance on the chickenhawk issue was so breathtaking that the whole league immediately copied his style. His neat, brilliant formulation which perfectly pigeonholed everyone from hippies to Thoreau to anti-nuke protestors as political reactionaries was such a masterful stroke of wingnut doublespeak that he was instantly made captain of his squad. As near an automatic selection to the All-Star team as there can be.

Andrew Sullivan

The veteran. Production at first glance appears to be slipping, but the stats say otherwise. A clutch hitter; when the chips are down, he can be counted on for that "objectively pro-Saddam Left" slag that brings a wingnut crowd to its feet.

Minnesota Masturbators - Formerly a farm team of the LA Sex-Dodgers, with expansion, the WLP came on to the Masturbators, and they responded with enthusiasm, though now one can imagine a certain soreness and fatigue has slowed them down. Their record indicates this is, in fact, true. Still, they send two first-rate All-Stars to this year's game.

Adam Yoshida

Put simply, The Legend. Originally a Wingnutiens farm hand, Yoshida has really blossomed for the Masturbators. Adam stresses fundamental wingnuttery, and the crowds at Tidy Bowl Stadium can and do attest to his delivering on those goods. The living in his mom's basement, the jingoism, the effortless recommendations of genocide: if there is any form of wingnuttery that Adam hasn't mastered, we're unaware of it.

David Adesnik

Strong candidate for Rookie of the Year last season, has fallen on something of a sophomore jinx. Still, what's not to like? David attacked the most imposing website on Planet Earth -- no, he didn't make much of a dent, but the kid proved he had the heart it takes to be a cultural commissar. Coaches say he's like a young Michael Medved if not so good-looking. And then there are those magical moments when his Id starts typing: pure wingnut gold.

Cleveland Closet-Cases - Reinvigorated franchise; if they played in the Douchebag League, could be a contender. Three representatives on tonight's squad.

John Derbyshire

The Closet-Cases wisely traded the Poms for Derb, and it's paid off. Not that Derb isn't one-dimensional: he is. But his skill-set so sweetly dovetails with the Closet-Cases' style of play that it fits like a well-oiled piston into a tight, dark chamber.

Hindsocket & The Big Trunk


Another era had Tinker to Evers to Chance; modern wingnuts have it so much better: Big Trunk into Hindsocket into big fat wingnut lovehearts (<3). This pair should be considered as such, rather than as individuals (with apologies to Miss Rand's ghost). This double penetration double play combo is so versatile, they even perform, in a pinch, as a pitcher (Trunk) and catcher (Hindsocket) battery when the Closet-Cases' bullpen gets overworked. Hindsocket's cheap shot off the light tower in last year's All-Star game is already a highlight film staple.

Yazoo City Yoostabees - This team's underachieving ways were legendary -- until about three years ago, when new management changed all that. Now, they have to be considered among the favorites to win the pennant. This team is loaded with wingnut talent, and their farm system, including the Double A Seattle Pseudo-Liberals (whose stars Mickey Kaus and Peter Beinart are WPL-worthy), keeps producing quality wingnut talent. Yoostabee superstar David Horowitz was inexplicably passed-over in the All-Star selections, but that's probably because his team is already so well represented.

Michael J. Totten

Constant revisionism, stupid equivalencies, pathetic regurgitations of half-baked Hitchenisms, total ignorance of Leftist history, total ignorance of, well, all history, utter witlessness, and oodles upon oodles of smarm make Totten an objectively pro-wingnut wingnut for the Ages. He'll be a starter in tonight's game.

Roger L. Simon

At first a rather pedestrian wingnut, Simon has thrived under the tutelage of the legendary, super-reactionary fucktard Michael Ledeen.

Stephen Green

Perfect representation of the oily yuppie. Bret Easton Ellis novels are written about him, yet he can pull off the "I used to be a Democrat" schtick with the best of 'em. Destined to be a wingnut All-Star for years.

Red State Rapturists - Aging team, but still formidable. Only one selection to this year's Best of the Best competition, but he's a real slugger.

Jerry Falwell

Another wingnut icon. His blaming of 9-11 on homosexuality and abortion is legendary. His judgement last week of Liberal Christians as being, actually, anti-Christian ("Christ was no 'hippie do-gooder!'") shows that the venerable slugger can still turn on an inside fastball. Expect the defence Tuesday to shade Falwell heavily to rightfield.

Silicon Valley Randroids - A real hit or miss -- or hit and run, if you like -- team, the Randroids are clanking and shuttering right now, but don't expect them to continue to do so. Alan Greenspan's old team should be back in the playoff hunt soon, just probably not this year. Next year, though, look out: newcomers Jane Galt, Amber Pawlik, and any one of the Reason jackasses could soon be stars.

Leonard Peikoff

Peikoff, Ayn Rand's "designated intellectual and literary heir", is a whiff-prone wingnut, it's true, but when he connects -- look out! The cheery speech in which he lauded the murder of civilians in Iraq and Afghanistan is a beacon of wingnutism that shines a light of reason on the dark corners of liberal humanitarianism and other silly leftist (and collectivist, of course) diversions.

Tampa Bay Pterocaryae - The Grand Old Team of WLP, these classicists have fallen on hard times. But they still have some heavy hitters. Victor Davis Hanson sits out the All-Star game for the first time in a decade; he'll be back.

Paul Johnson

From presuming to lecture James Baldwin on the subject of prejudice, to praying for his political foes' deaths, to being as shrill as possible on the subject of the EU, to facially-polluting the earth with his gin blossoms, Paul Johnson has had a fine wingnut career indeed. Unapologetically pro-Empire. Johnson's out-ed S&M fetish might have brought an "I thought so" smile to even Foucault's face. Johnson's the sort of historian that wingnuts deserve -- ask them, they'll agree! A proven outrage-producer who plays old school WLP: how it's meant to be played.

Manhattan Macho Men - One of the league's most storied franchises, for many years the "Fucking Jingos", as their fans lovingly call them, were the best the Junior Circuit had to offer. Thanks to major investors like Richard Sciafe and Ruppert Murdoch, along with ever-churning Crank Tanks, the Macho Men's system and resources are second to none. They've fallen off a bit, lately, but are still a power to be respected, even feared. Eugene Volokh, Alan Dershowitz, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin: all have had their streaks the past few seasons, calling for torture, howling with bloodlust, suggesting that the country revisit internment (Malkin's grand slam which swept a huge series over the Poms)... The Jingos have definitely had their moments. The House That Teddy Roosevelt Built with racism, sectarianism, and sheer unadulterated war-loving insanity has had its historical moments, with which Max Boot's recent thrills hold their own.

Max Boot

Boot is that rare wingnut: a genuine five-tool Tool. He can revise history, plaintively beg for mercenaries, practice glorious double-speak, boorishly elaborate on false or meaningless distinctions between neo and paleo wingnuts, and modify his stance from one degree of pseudo-muscularity to the next with little difficulty. Excusing torture is no problem for him. Writing books that whitewash genocide is not only a job for Boot, it's a pleasure. Boot is sure to win his first WLP MVP award soon.

Knoxville Knobs - Dynasty in the making. Watch for defensive wizard Neil Boortz, and youngster Judson Cox. The Knobs -- or Yokels, as they are affectionately known by their fans -- have unequalled skill with blandly-stated outrage. And when that doesn't work on their opponents, there's always the ultimate weapon: wrist-slitting boredom. The Yokels have inspired more opponents to forfeit than any other teams in WLP history.

Glenn Reynolds

Reynolds has been the WLP MVP the past three seasons. His whitebread style -- which belies a personality, values-system and skill-set of coarse-ground Freeperism -- keeps him in good graces with the officials, while true wingnuts, who know the statistics, keep their happy faces, certain of Reynolds's true nature. His production has been staggering. There's his endorsement of genocide which in a pinch can be construed as "merely" a mournful acceptance of it. Then there is his fraudulence, which is breathtaking. Reynolds's genius -- and arguably the biggest reason for his success -- is that he's been so skillful at denying his very wingnuttiness! It's true! He's a "Whig", then he's a "Libertarian", then he's a "Democrat the Democratic Party Left Behind" -- anything but a wingnut, which is his true nature! That Instayokel, what a chameleon! But I mean to say he's the complete package. He's a gun nut and is at least at-home with racism. And for good measure, he proved he can play in 80s wingnut style: on throwback jersey day, he gleefully welcomed the prospect of a nuclear exchange. That Glenn Reynolds, he can do it all.

Pillsbury Pantloads - The surprise team of 2005. Though many players have spent considerable time on the disabled list, or injured reserve, the sheer audacity of this team has drawn record crowds and has made a star out of First Blabsman Jonah Goldberg. They'll make the playoffs.

Jonah Goldberg

The Chickenhawk Champion. A menace to science. An idiot and a fool. Yes, he is taking the WPL by storm; he is Reynolds's only real competition. Indeed, he's equalled or outdone Instayokel by almost every wingnutian metric -- incredibly, he's almost neck-and-neck with Reynolds even in the important "banal observations" stat, which Reynolds was thought to have a monopoly on. And that brings us to the controversy: does Jonah Goldberg have help in being the All-World Wingnut we hold in awe? Is there any evidence of illegal or semi-legal performance-enhancing additives in his commentaries? Well, there's no conclusive proof. But there's the convenient "letters" he gets from "readers", there's his reply to Dr. Cole which was very different in style and, I believe, syntax, from his normally crapulent offerings, and there's his constant whiny blegs at The Cornhole for this and that information. Could this mean a tainted wingnut era? We'll see. But until we do, look for Jonah, spawn of Lucianne, to be a yearly candidate for WLP MVP.

My prediction for tonight's game? Junior Circuit, but it'll go extra innings.

*Dedication: I was deeply inspired by this masterpiece. I also liberally (hah!) stole links from it.

**Update: I'm crushed to hear that World O'Crap already did something like this earlier in the week. I dont have the heart to look at it.

***Update again, 5:30 PM. I looked at World O'Crap's post. I've wasted all my time writing this. People will think I'm it's rip-off. Shitfire motherfucker goddamn. I was scared that the Poor Man would beat me to the punch, not S.Z. Never even thought about looking, even through those old links I had saved of hers for ammo in this post. I think I might take a break from blogging after this fiasco. Just shoot me.

**** Yet another update, Wed, 7/13/05: Here's World O'Crap's post, and it's typically damn good. Yet her wingnut contest is a tournament where mine is an All-Star competition, a la Major League Baseball (whose game was last night, damn the NL for losing). Actually, I had drafted part of this post way back in the spring, with the intention of an "Opening Day" theme, but then left it when it got too big and the right time had passed. This weekend, I resolved to complete it, in altered form, before Tuesday Night's game. Ah well. Thank yous to everyone who left comments after the first update and my initial disappointment at being beaten to the punch and fearing that I looked like a copycat.

***** And still another Edit: Fixed the first David Frum link, which was broken. While I was at it, I added some links elsewhere in the post to, hopefully, better leaven it.

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