Saturday, November 06, 2004

What Fun! Can I Play Too?

Seb catches David Frum playing a classic game, "The 'Speculative' Smear":

Speaking of media bias [WTF?!? -S,N!,] here's a question you won't hear [sic] in our big papers or on network TV: Does Yasser Arafat have AIDS?

We know he has a blood disease that is depressing his immune system. We know that he has suddenly dropped considerable weight ­possibly as much as 1/3 of all his body weight. We know that he is suffering intermittent mental
dysfunction. What does this sound like?

Later in the day, comedians not noted for right-wing leanings held a full-out roast for Arafat on the Mishak Machur comedy program on Israel Channel Two television.

"It's not cancer that he has - it's AIDS," said one, to the delighted applause and laughter of a studio audience. "You can't screw five million people for so long and wind up with just cancer - it's AIDS."

We'd like to go on the record and ask whether David Frum has AIDS.

Very good, Mr Frum! Not only do you go out of your way to grossly smear your political enemy, you also, as a bonus, go the extra step of accusing the "MSM" of bias because it doesn't share your penchant for character assassination. And we won't even get into tact and decorum issues regarding the deathly ill.

Not to be outdone -- but also, and so in character, not to be original -- Jonah Goldberg also goes The Speculative Smear route.

Now the grown-up thing would be to pass by this playpen of child ideologues and lesser primates, letting them do what they do best (smearing their own faces with feces while doing their level best to sling enough of the leftovers beyond the rails in the hope that it sticks on certain of the humanity outside), but I'm a born pedagogue and as such can't resist an opportunity to teach a lesson. Okay, that last part is a lie: I really just want to say, "Oh, yeah? Well, have some of this you fucking pricks." So here goes.

--I know that Danielle Crittenden always said that women should be good docile housewives ("the weaker vessel" and all that), and that they should take their owner's husband's last name when they marry. But then Danielle got married and kept her maiden name! Now it could be that Danielle was always a hypocrite, but couldn't it also be that -- now I'm just speculating here -- her husband, David Frum, beat her senseless until she became as hypocritical as he? If the media weren't so biased, you'd have heard this explanation before.

--I know that Jonah Goldberg's mother, Lucianne, did anything that Richard Nixon commanded, and maybe that only entailed garden-variety political spying. But isn't it possible -- and I'm just speculating here -- that she was also employed by CREEP to sexually service goons like Gordon Liddy and Howard Hunt? Is it possible that Jonah himself was conceived via spillage from a bukkake-fest in the East Wing, an inadvertent spawn from the dripping streamer that John Dean -- guiltily, of course -- unleashed on Lucianne, who was and is such an eager trouper? Were it not for media bias, Jonah would be more certain of his pedigree; damn you, MSM!

--I know that Ariel Sharon is morbidly obese, and this is likely due to age and gluttony, but isn't it possible -- and I'm just speculating here -- that he achieved his Jabba the Hutt physique by unhinging his jaw and eating Palestinians whole? Ahh, I've just been notified that while Sharon may have indeed grown fat by eating Palestinians, as these innocents were microwaved, diced, and neatly prepared by Lebanese Phalangists, it's no fault of Ariel's. Whew! And why don't we have a clearer picture of Sharon's diet? Media bias!

--I know that Ronald Reagan, from, let us say, 1975 until his death, suffered from dementia-like symptoms which have been atributed to Alzheimer's disease, but isn't it possible -- I'm just speculating here -- that it was actually a virulent strain of brain-rotting chlamydia? And perhaps his colon cancer was just that, or perhaps it was, if I may speculate, only a condition produced by years colo-rectal abuse by the insertion of foriegn objects? Why haven't we heard about this? Media bias!

--I know that Ann Coulter's adam's apple is probably due to a hormonal condition (in other words, being a guy), but isn't it possible -- I'm just speculating here -- that she got that way from injuring herself trying to deep throat Donald Rumsfeld and a Colt Desert Eagle at the same time? If it weren't for that goddamn liberal media, we might know some of these things for sure.