Monday, October 25, 2004

I Shall Return

I am on assignment and so have not been able to post my regular reports. Now you may believe that the cause for this is sloth and distraction and if so, you'd be right you'd be a filthy liar because, actually, I, Retardo, amateur anthropologist, have been busy expanding the horizons of social science by immersing myself in the curious, mysterious culture of National Review Online.

Now this tribe does not welcome outsiders, and is rumored to be cannibalistic as well as coprophagic (which of course is rendered a redundancy on the occasions when they eat their own), and their rituals... well, you'll have to wait for my Special Report.

As a teaser, I'll say that the tribe's pretty much how you'd think it'd be: K-Lo as the Venus of Willendorf figure, sagging and den-motherly, to whom infant hippies are sacrificed and by whom they are eaten. Then there's America's Worst Mother, famously named and (case-)studied by TBOGG, a giant in our field. And as for group displays, well, I don't think I give too much away when I whisper to you that they gather in a circle and pee on Jonah Goldberg, to the delight of all (especially Jonah).

Material culture? AR-15s and Uzis, which no one knows how to use but insists on having. Sexual devices were formerly in abundance but caused great shame. Recently, however, all have been stolen by a friendly tribe to the especial and great consternation of Kate O'Beirn, who'd had the most opulent examples.

Religion? Their gods are exclusively demented and senile, which goes without saying, since history and mythology are identical concepts for them. But you knew all that, and I can't go farther until I file my Special Report.

I will say that I want to wash my eyes with Drano after K-Lo, Kate, and "Mummy" insisted on posing, National Geographic style, whenever I feigned interest in their religious beliefs. The things your humble anthropologist must endure in the name of science! But at least so far I've avoided intense homosexual aggression, burrowing chiggers, and mangy dogs, which are, you well know (Greatest Hits #1, #4), part and parcel of the red state tribe. Bon chance!

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