Thursday, September 16, 2004

I'll Sue Your Ass, Bitch! -- Starring RETARDO, Esq. The Frivolous Litigator as Himself

Also Starring:

Sorrell Booke as "Pete M. Window, Esq."
Paul Lynde as "Dr Sebly F No"
Gavin McCleod as "Perfessor Zod"
Glenn Reynolds as "Yodeling Zeke"
Little Green Footballs as "The Hee Haw Recovering Alcoholic Jugband"
and Rex Hamilton as "Abraham Lincoln"

Special Guest Starring:
Claire Forlani as "Claire"

*I'll Sue Your Ass, Bitch! is performed before a live studio audience*

RETARDO: *enters* *audience applauds* *Dr S. No sits quietly knitting a phallic pillow-cover* "Why, good day, Sebly! I see that you've completed your move to your darkened lair, how are things are the Cheneys'?"

Dr Sebly F. No: "Oh, smashingly, as usual! Dick went outside to bury kittens up to their necks in turf and then ran them over with a lawnmower, so, ever briefly, that "I'm being attacked by a dentist!" look vanished from his face. Then we had casual sex -- Dick's, perhaps counterintuitively, a bottom -- then I treated myself to a large bowl of oatmeal, which is cachet now, as you well know. I mean organic Peruvian oatmeal, of course, tread and pressed by the feet of natives, not that processed shit one buys at Trader Joe's."

RETARDO: "Right."

Dr Sebly F. No: "Would you be a dear and adjust that portrait of Justin Darr on the mantle?"

RETARDO: "Yes, of course. But really, you don't have to keep up the charade with me, dear Sebly, after all, I know the truth that Justin Darr is actually one of your alter-egos."

Dr Sebly F. No: *blushing* *mock indignance* "Now you know he's Vlad Putin's bastard son! Norbizness said so!" *audience laughs*

Claire: "RETARDO, I love you!"

RETARDO: "They all do, baby, they all do." *audience cheers and whistles* *RETARDO brightens, and becomes as hubristic as a war-blogger, until he looks down and notices his fly undone* "Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o!" *also like a war-blogger, he does ..nothing about it*

Dr Sebly F. No: *suddenly serious* "You speak of the truth! Hah, what do you know of the truth? You want the truth? You want the Truth? You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you put your hand into a pile of goo, it was your best friend's face, and you dunno what to do. Forget it, RETARDO, it's CHINATOWN!" *emphatic* *poses like Celine Dion hitting a high note on the Titanic soundtrack* *clinches fist*

RETARDO: "Riiight. Um, so, like I was saying...well, I got a letter yesterday that I think is rather interesting. Here, please read it." *He hands the letter to Dr No.*

*Cut to = Pete M. Window's study. Medium Shot. Pete Window is writing this same letter and we hear as a voice-over his dictation as he writes.*

Hey, Retardo...

It's Pete M. Window here. You should be hearing from my attorneys
shortly for the unauthorized appropriation of my blogroll links. I
believe it's a felony. If it isn't, it should be.

In retaliation, I'm just going to have to steal your entire blog.
I'll imprison you in my blogroll (so you won't be able to make
mischief back at your own blog) as soon as I update my template next.

That time of month's coming up soon, though, so it may be a while.

- Pete


*concludes with Mr Window cholerically guffawing = wipe & fade*

*COMMERCIAL BREAK/ = I'll Sue Your Ass, Bitch! is brought to you in part by a grant from CHUBB*

*Voiceover in the kindly tone of Paul Harvey/ Camera pans over lush tranquil scenery*
"We here at al-CHUBB insurance group declare jihad on the great satans of trial lawyers, hurricanes, and, for good measure, the Canuckistani National Health Care Service. May tort reform be but one weapon the righteous use against you, the unclean infidels! Have a wonderful day."

*Fade in*

Dr Sebly F. No: "Wow, that's some letter, RETARDO, but I'm afraid there's nothing we here at The Firm can do about it. I mean, sure, we hate freedom as much as you do -- we're all comrades, are we not? -- but if you're thinking about a counter-suit, then you're just taking the Ambulance Chasing Ethic too far!"

RETARDO: "What kinda law firm is this?!? This letter calls for legal action just as surely as the sound of an ambulance siren coming down the street! I quit!"

Dr Sebly F. No: *gnomicly* "Ask not for whom the siren wails; the siren wails for thee."

RETARDO: *puzzled and slightly annoyed* "What the fuck does that mean? Blah, I'm not afraid."*He and Claire walk out in a huff*

Dr Sebly F. No: "You will be. You will be.

*Cut to = Bedroom scene, tastefully done/ RETARDO and Claire, glazed of eye, smiley of face, and short of breath, they both reach for cigarettes*

RETARDO: "You know, I'm gonna sue that fucker, Mr. Window."

Claire: *not very interested* "Why is his nickname 'Dark', anyway?"

RETARDO: "I never found out but always assumed it was something vulgar. You know, plexiglass in a peepshow or something."

Claire: "Oh, yeah. Or maybe he's one of those guys who lays under glass tables and watches people poop."

*Cut to = RETARDO in his home office, typing away, talking to himself, cheering but occasionally cursing, writing writing writing.* *Graphic says "The Next Morning"*

RETARDO: "Yeah, damn you all! I'll show you who hates freedom most of all! Me! I'll win a spot as John Edwards's advisor yet!" *he completes his task and begins to read the letter aloud*

Dear Mr Window:

I have recieved your letter; please consider this as my non-negotiable reply.

Persuant to your threat of litigation, please be appraised of my pending countersuit, which I intend to file today in Federal Court in San Francisco, in which I charge that Mr Pete M. Window, Esquire, is guilty of infringing on the following trademarks wholly or partly owned by elementropy enterprises, LLC, and RETARDO Montalban, Esquire:

The use of pseudolegal threats to coerce various internet site owners into producing links to a specific site, usually that of the threatener.

The wanton use, or threat of use, of photoshopped genuine, filthy and often X-rated pictures of site owners and "bloggers", effectively amounting to common blackmail.

The wholesale of use and disemination of http protocol, so-called "hyperlinks", which elementropy has held copyright of since 1987.

The rampant use of collected groups of letters, called "words", which denote concepts and arrange ideas into what is called "language". Mr Montalban and elementropy enterprises, LLC, has held the copyright on this practice, at least when performed on "weblogs", since 1934, and has punctually renewed this copyright ever since.

When considering the above infringements in addition to the theft of $19.95 worth of services from elementropy enterprises, we call on the Court to place a cease and desist order on "darkwindow.blogspot.com" and to require punative and compensatory damages of not less than $239 trillion dollars.


"Man, that is really good. Now off to the post office and court house."

*Cut to= Pete M. Window reading his mail*

Pete Window: *Clutching his chest while he reads* "Oh my God. I'm so screwed! So Screwed! I'm gonna lose! *Close-up of mail: It's a letter from "Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes"* *He paces frantically in his highrise penthouse* *He then opens the certified letter from RETARDO*

"Nooooooooooooooooo" *He hangs against his desk, swaying and pained; this is a lift from the "I am your father scene" in The Empire Strikes Back, which the director insists is only an "homage", but he's a pilfering sack of poop*

*Pete M. Window panics, runs to and fro, is obviously having chest pains* *He runs and jumps through his window and falls 87 stories crashing into and through an AMC Pacer filled with Nazis and rednecks.*

*Cut to= RETARDO and Claire and Dr Sebly F. No roasting marshmallows over the flaming wreckage*

Dr Sebly F. No : "Wow, RETARDO, I really misunderestimatated you -- you really do hate freedom more than anyone else! You are He Who Is Shrill Behind The Rows. You are the Quizach Haddarach of Ambulance Chasers, the Chosen One!"

RETARDO: *shrugs* "Yeah but what are ya gonna do." *Kicks a smouldering laptop away from the wreckage* "Eh, I'm just being a good American."

Dr Sebly F. No: "Well, I'm glad you got rid of Mr. Window. He was really invading my turf! And he stole Amber from me."

RETARDO and Claire in unison: "As if you play on that team!" *laughing*

Dr Sebly F. No: "But I'm a flaming heterosexual! I'm as straight as Christmas!" *He looks into the camera, which perfectly frames his heavily rouged face and scarfed neck, and winks*

*Audience laughs*

*And fade*

*Disclaimer: No bloggers were hurt in the filming of this programme.*

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