Thursday, September 02, 2004

Face It, You'll *Never* Be Cool. Stop Trying.

Despite constant declarations to the contrary by self-professed hipster Jonah Goldberg (whose high personal level of coolness is epitomised here, here, and here), Conservatives have never been cool and can never be cool. Not on campus, not anywhere; they're dorks who deny their own nature.

The Answer Guy, Tim, outlines just why and how that is.

Jenna and Barbara are as about as cool as Repugs get, which, of course, is not saying much: vapid sorostitutes who own generically crappy cd and dvd collections, are too rich for their own or anyone else's good, who may be worthy of a few seconds convo around a keg, but are obviously too philistine and vacant to exhibit anything like coolness. However, to be strictly fair, they are about par for the course as far as Republican "intellectualism" goes. True intellectualism and genuine coolness, of course, go hand in hand.

..which, in turn, brings to mind the idea of Frenchness: traditionally the apex of coolness/intellectualism. As a country and political entity, of course France is despised to a man by those on the right, and this isn't by any means a recent development. Some among the right are so bitter and envious of French-cool (and the Left's alliance with it) that they were compelled to "sublimation" by picking up for themselves a sparkling example of faux-gallique, while the Jonah-type Repugs boil this same essence down to secretly admiring The Continental, yet remaining bitter that even he is more likely to get laid than they are.

My advice to sexually frustrated young rightwingers is this: your ideological nitwittery will pay off in time. Someday, you'll be older and powerful and be able to fully enjoy the Clarence Thomas Lifestyle which date rapes reaps the benefits of the societal structures your politics continues to make possible. Who knows, maybe even Ben Shapiro's mother's household kleenex and hand lotion budget will eventually know a certain relief. Someday.

So, drag your fucking Mr. Rogers cardigans out of the closet, put your Poindexter goggles back on (but take care not to look directly into the sun: you don't want to burn through the back of your skulls), admit that you really listen to Contemporary Christian music, keep publicly condemning oral sex, and in doing so you'll at least be true to yourselves. This "I'm hip and Republican" shit has got to go.

**Edited for insult-embellishment

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