Thursday, July 01, 2004

Starring Richard Perle As Destro

link (Reg. Req. goddamn it)

In another sign that the war in Iraq has permeated virtually all aspects of life in America, your hometown ball club will introduce the major leagues' first patriotic giveaway of this era — a G.I. Joe action figure.

The Minnesota Twins will present Duke, "the calm and determined battlefield commander of the G.I. Joe team,'' to the first 5,000 children at Monday night's game against the Kansas City Royals as a way of honoring local military personnel.

But while the Twins hand out more freebies than sample day at the grocery store, this rock-jawed promotional trinket with resolute stare and Popeye forearms will meet some resistance from fans blowing through the Metrodome airlocks.

"I think the Twins are way off base with this idea,'' said John Varone, a Vietnam veteran and president of the Twin Cities chapter of Veterans for Peace. "For gosh sakes, the last place we need to promote war is at our national pastime.''

The Twins say Joe isn't glorifying war, but celebrating the efforts of servicemen and women. As part of that mission, the team asked Duke's maker, Hasbro Inc., to remove the customary gun from his side, bringing him in accordance with the Metrodome's no-gun policy. Hand grenades are still visible.

Well, I'm FOR a resurrection, of sorts, of GI Joe, though bringing back Mutt and Junkyard would be tacky considering Abu Ghraib. At any rate, I suggest we get on with a geuinely interesting exercise:

Conservative - Cobra Command Equivalence Action Figures

Ann Coulter is, of course, Baroness.
Major Bludd = Michael Ledeen
Destro, with his mask a hardened scowl, perfectly mimics the immobile but somehow simultaneously melted visage (and the EVIL behind it) of Richard Perle.

Run of the mill Cobra Troopers are like Seb's discoveries, Brian Cherry (Qualified Expert: NATO and Warsaw Pact small arms; "literary sticks") and Justin Darr (Qualified Expert: Nato small arms; sling shot; kazoo; price-label gun; pallet jack).

Though Adam Yoshida would no doubt like to be compared to Storm Shadow, unfortunately I know that he can barely manage to throw his Happy Meal boxes a few feet from his desk (think of Jeopardy! George Will's pitching technique), so no ninja star equivalents for him; in fact, considering this post, Adam's going to have to settle for being garden variety Cobra thug Firefly's equivalent.

So, who/what are YOUR recommendations? Plenty of Cobra characters are left, here is an incomplete list.

Update -- The folks at Primer started a discussion on the original Pioneer Press story.

Vinay at Primer posted this link listing all the characters. See also here.

Update Update -- Remember those retarded Public Service Announcements at the end of the GI Joe cartoon? They're here, slightly altered.