I know, I know. You're saying, RETARDO, I want more stupid political commentary! I want more anthropology, history, and political science essays which are terribly-written and usually incomplete!
But what can I say? A man's sloth will only get you so far, and RETARDO's sloth is profound; in fact, one of his many net pseudonyms is "Pukeface Oblomov, IV", and surely everyone will get the reference?
Since my sloth (thus I revert to the first person) is so severe, I'm going to do this in the same way Tom Verducci used to do his online sports columns: as he was too lazy to write an essay with those annoying paragraphs and such, instead he wrote a self-interview. So, here goes, but first a quick summary:
Name:
Occupation: Student, Bum, Dilettante.
Appearance: Fuckin Stunningly Handsome in my redheaded Special Olympics sort of way.
Interests: Look on the right-hand side of my blog.
Age: Old enough that that senile old TelePrompter Reader gave me nightmares of mushroom clouds
Politics: vaguely, a Democratic Socialist. Practically speaking, anti-Republican
Religion: "Doctrinaire" agnostic
****
Dave Shutton, Springfield Daily Shopper: Who are you? What are you doing here?
RETARDO: My real name is J__, and that's all you need to know about that. My name here and elsewhere is "RETARDO". I've also been known by various other names in my days on the net, and some of those names constitute not so much separate personalities as different schticks. For instance, when I was known as hemiSPHINCTOR, it was solely to embarrass my friend Wally, whose lover and fellow scat enthusiast I pretended to be. And so on. Alkibiades, Chrysostom, Ebenezer Spooge, they were me. Post-Fuck Consensus, disingenuousPENIUS, General Zod, they were all me too. Should I bring back some of these characters to post "their" thoughts in my blog?
Sadly, No!: Sadly and most definitely, NO! Now give a real answer!
RETARDO: Okay, I'm here to be shrill, then. That's my purpose.
The Marxist Internet Archive: RETARDO, what do you do for a living? Are you a bourgeois shill? Do you exploit the w.o.w.?
RETARDO: I try to be a student. And the rest, well.. no.
Blog groupie: Oh wow, RETARDO, I want to bear your children! Are you available?
RETARDO: Well if anyone had any illusions that this interview was for real, they're dashed now. Anyway, I'm in a relationship; never been married, never had bratfaces.
Joe Amurkan: Dude, what's your deal with slipping into British English?
RETARDO: Ol' Jimbo Morrison once explained the crucifix on his neck this way: "I like the symbol visually, plus it confuses people." I like that as a response, but I'd add that I have just as much right to use it as to use American English: I'm an American citizen but many in my immediate family are British Citizens; also many of the people I talk to online (and know in real life) are from the commonwealth and it just wears off on me. It's to the point that I dont realise which is which, nor do I care.
Carmen Sandiego: Where the fuck are you?
RETARDO: When on the farm, in rural Arkansas. When at "home", in a downtown apartment in a major southern city.
Technorati: What's the deal with all these damn links? Don't toy with us, bitch!
RETARDO: My favorites page in my browser is a clusterfuck of disorganised shit; in effect, my blog better serves that personal and particular purpose. Also, if so many links
Red-faced Screaming Person: What do you want? What are you gonna do with your life?
RETARDO: I wanna rock. No, really, I'd like to travel the world, spreading my "Hate America" message, occasionally phoning-in a crypto-socialist diatribe for which I will be paid decently enough to live on. My name as a journalist will be made when I break the stories on a)Ann Coulter's bukkake fetish, b)Dick Cheney's worship of Moloch, and c)Notes from a close personal inspection of the topography of Vida Guerra's ass.
Until then, I'll just go on giving weather reports, critiquing the latest Ty Beanie Babies, and deconstructing Tampax commercials -- which is, you know, obviously what I do here.
(I'll add to -- or edit -- this when I feel like it.)
posted by RETARDO MONTALBAN @ 6:30 PM
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