Wednesday, July 16, 2003


I can't sleep again, even though I got only four hours worth this morning; and I don't want to watch TV but I'm too tired to properly concentrate on the book I'm reading. So, blog time.

I did a search of my net handle a bit ago, out of boredom and to see if my stalker has put up anymore tribute pages. Turns out that, if he has, they're not on google. But I did find this site : Datbrew

Argh. I have been using "Retardo Montalban" for, like, 4 years now. And while it's true that I later found out the name was used by a reviewer at, I had no idea at the time. In Arthur C. Clarke's nice phrase, I was only guilty of "precognitive plagiarism". But now karma has repaid me. Still, I wish this kid luck with the name; he seems alright. You go, New Retardo!

As it stands, I have plenty of other names and net-alter-egos to play with. My latest is as a heavy-metal guitar god/militant muslim (Cat Stevens meets Spinal Tap), Mullet al-Mullah.

(15:50:16) Mullet al-Mullah shouts to Neighbour: western infidel! listen to my electric guitar! allah turns my amp to 11, you raper of dogs!

(15:52:55) Mullet al-Mullah shouts to Neighbour: Filthy western imperialist! I defy your easy listening genre! It is Salman Rushdie in minor chords! I and my band declare jihad on your sacrelige!

(15:54:39) Mullet al-Mullah shouts to M*****: you listen to your britney spears, degraded american infidel! do not tell me when it is time for my drummer to explode for Allah! Allah alone sets times for such things! Blessed is his name, filthy heathen!

(15:57:16) Mullet al-Mullah shouts to M*****: Oh yes, you canuckistani pigdog! With godless muchmusic and Shania Twain! Allah shall impale you with Rush cds in the afterlife; blasphemous camel-fuckers, all of you!

(16:00:47) Mullet al-Mullah shouts to M*****: I shall crank my amp to 11, with Allah's will, and with my groupies and my hashishins, we will rock holy jihad on you all! die die die!

(16:03:59) Mullet al-Mullah shouts to Everyone: Buy my albums "In One Ear And Out Your Medina" "Jihad At Budokan", "Medina Oblongatta", and "The Ululating Remains The Same" in a store near you!

Alright, Alright, so it may not be good enough to be a Saturday Night Live character, but it's better than my last invention, that fake-bot chatter "programme" that I told everybody Palmer created with his superconducter-powered, liquid nitrogen-cooled UNIX MECHA-computer in his basement. I mean, come on, a bot's name isn't going to be "Digital Crap" even if I wrote it in schlocky Westminster FONT. Still, I hit the right note with my fake "glitches" and intentionally-mangled syntax as to fool a few people. Good times, good times.

By the way, if some fucktard sketch comedian steals this, I'm gonna sue.